Pinch Hitler v2
by FelinesAndPhoenixes
Summary: What has Gellert gotten Albus into this time? Certainly not pinching the fuhrer. Oh lord. Noncannon. Crack fic. More detailed version of original.


**Title:** Pinch Hitler (Version 2.0!)

**Summary:** What has Gellert Grindelwald gotten poor Albus into this time? Certainly nothing so bloody insane as pinching the Führer. That would just be absurd, wouldn't it?

**Author's Notes:** This was first for ReggieBlack69, and will therefore _always _be for ReggieBlack69, who is the one who had the great fortune to misread something as "Pinch Hitler." It really said "Pinch hitter", but I took a gander at it and it looked the way she saw it. Therefore, this fic was born.

**Author's Note, v2.0:** This is v2.0 of this fic. V1.0 can be found here **http:// /yjm7tyo **(without the spaces, of course.) Or you could just access it via my profile. Whichever. Es ist mir egal. (It doesn't matter to me.)

That also being said, I translated my German myself, so if it's wrong, that's my own stupidity.

**Timeline:** Grindelwald was not defeated and imprisoned in Nurmengard until 1945. In 1939, he would have been 56, and Dumbledore would have been 58. Dumbledore is teaching at Hogwarts sometime around 1938, but was probably teaching there before that.

It is commonly accepted that by fans (but I'm not so sure about cannon) that Gellert Grindelwald had a hand in starting World War II, so for my purposes, he did.

Oh, and since I'm a history major I went a little stupid with this. I wanted it to take place in the fall, so I looked up Hitler's speeches in Berlin….on this particular date, he really was speaking in Berlin. The speech was to the Reichstag and was about the "problem" presented by the Jewish people. This is 6 years after he took the office of chancellor in 1933. This is mostly irrelevant, but if you have a grasp on what is going on with the war…… At this particular time, Gellert is still on his campaign against muggles, too.

Clearly, Albus still wouldn't have been with him, as they separated in 1899, after only one summer of friendship. So, yeah, this is non-cannon compliant, but that's ok because it's a freaking crack fic anyway. Its not like I would write this as something serious.

**Disclaimer: **Zoom in on my empty wallet. I don't own anything, even my own disclaimer.

That being said, on with the freaking fic. Finally.

_October 6__th__ 1939_

The leaves were falling down all around them, sweeping across the square in the sporadic gusts of wind. The day was overcast and cool, but Gellert Grindelwald was grinning. Albus Dumbledore, standing at his side, frowning, was not so ecstatic. It was autumn in Berlin and Gellert couldn't have picked a better destination. Albus still didn't see the point of the trip. He'd yet to determine how exactly it benefited Gellert to get involved in this muggle war. He assumed that it had something to do with the other's campaign against muggles and the concept of 'the enemy of my enemy is my friend', but it was still nonsensical. The Führer was evidently very fascinated with magic, but Albus didn't believe that that information alone mandated breaking the Statute of Secrecy. However, Gellert had been all about the ends justifying the means lately.

Alolph Hitler was widely regarded as a dangerous man, a rather scary albeit brilliant man. Albus personally thought he was more than a little unhinged and that Gellert was just as insane to follow him, but he'd kept his mouth shut and humored the blonde when he'd suggested the trip. They'd flown into Germany late the night before, and Gellert had practically been jumping for joy since they'd arrived. Adolph Hitler was a hard man to reach, but Gellert had _made an appointment_. Even thinking of it made Albus scoff. Who just casually made an appointment to talk to Hitler? Still, they'd managed to arrive on time and find him in the place they'd been ordered to meet him. Gellert had sidled up to him and had been all _mein Führer _this and _Nazi party_ that, exuberantly saluting all over the place. Albus had just looked at him like he'd lost his bloody mind.

"Wie heißt du?" the Führer had asked, looking suspicious. His guards or staff or whomever they were, Albus did not know or care, had watched the two of them with something like unease on their faces. Albus wondered what they'd been expecting. Certainly not what they'd received at any rate.

"Ich bin Gellert Grindelwald," Gellert had replied smoothly. "Und er heiße Albus Dumbledore."

Albus mentally facepalmed at Gellert's introduction. _I _am_ Gellert Grindelwald, _he seemed to say with an attitude that Albus wasn't sure anyone else had picked up on. _And he calls himself Albus Dumbledore._ He rolled his eyes and nodded in greeting to the men who were watching him.

"Wir haben eine Ernennung," Gellert continued smoothly.

_We have an appointment _indeed,Albus thought with a mental snort. It was both the most suave and ridiculous thing that he'd ever seen. Gellert's tone dripped admiration. He was laying it on too thick in Albus's opinion, but he was the one in charge of the project after all. Albus was still unsure as to why they were there.

"Ah," the Führer said. "Ja. Ja, natürlich." _Yes, of course,_ Albus's brain kept up it's running translation. He hadn't really spoken much German until he'd met Gellert, and still had much to learn, but thank Merlin the two were keeping it relatively simple. He wondered for a moment if they were doing it on his account, but dismissed the idea as ridiculous. Gellert wouldn't accommodate anyone and Hitler….that was even less likely. He'd said something to his…posse and turned back to Gellert and Albus, raising his right hand in a vast, sweeping, all encompassing gesture. "Gehen Sie mit mir spazieren," he said. _Walk with me_….

Gellert elbowed him sharply in the side. "What?" he snapped, glancing at the taller blonde. "Oh!" he said as he realized that Gellert had saluted snappily, obediently. He copied the gesture, slightly hurried and thus sloppier, but the lack of a smack upside the head led him to believe that he'd done well enough. Really, he should have been paying attention. He idly wondered where they were going as he'd fallen into step at Gellert's side.

That had been twenty minutes ago, and he was still confused. They were standing on a rather nondescript street in Berlin, and he knew that the speech that Gellert had told him was happening, the speech that made it so easy to find Hitler in fact, was starting soon. Somewhere within the city. The leaves were falling down all around them, and the air smelled of wood smoke. It would have been almost pleasant if it wasn't for the company.

On Hitler's right was Gellert, right arm thrown across the shorter man's shoulders in a manner that almost looked friendly, and perhaps it was. Albus was unsure what Gellert had been doing with his time when they hadn't been together. Perhaps getting closer to this man? He frowned, jealously prodding at him annoyingly.

In a way, Gellert looked more like he belonged to the crowd that flooded the streets than did either of his companions as the wind tousled his blonde hair. People moved in every which direction, going about their business, silent, busy, efficient. Gellert had dressed all in black that morning, saying something about being discreet, and had worn high heeled black boots and a long cloak. His hair was pulled back loosely, but strands still fell bright blue eyes. Albus mentally snorted again. He looked like Hitler's poster child. Hitler, for his part, looked annoyed by Gellert's very presence, which Albus was sure was a good sign….except if it wasn't.

On Hitler's left was Albus, looking far more conspicuous. The entire day, he'd avoided speaking when he could, conscious of his English accent and the fact that that England and Germany were on opposite sides of the war. Gellert had forced him into mostly black, too, though his cloak was a shade of deep blue. With hair the color of the leaves that swept across the square, he was sure that he probably stood out like something on fire and that he was drawing unwanted attention to them. He was a few steps away from the shorter man, arms crossed across his chest, a look of distinct annoyance on his face as he started off into space. Gellert had dragged him there…why exactly? Something about pinching Hitler. What in the name of Merlin was going on? He'd been instructed to watch, wait and play along. Play along? What kind of childish nonsense was Gellert planning?

Then, suddenly, his questions were answered. "Aww, look at the Führer!" Gellert said abruptly in his best baby talk voice as he turned toward Hitler and pinched his cheek with his free hand. He was grinning obnoxiously. He gave Albus a meaningful look.

Albus had a bad, bad feeling about this. "I knoooow!" he replied, forcing a grin, his baby talk voice slightly better than Gellert's. Uncrossing his arms, he turned and pinched Hitler's other cheek. "Look at his adorable wittle moustache!" Feeling like a complete idiot, he glanced up at Gellert over Hitler's head. "What in the name of Merlin's _pants_, Gellert!?" he asked in a stage whisper.

"Ta, darling!" Gellert said suddenly, bending down to kiss Hitler's cheek. "Servus! Auf wiedersehen! Come along Albus!" He withdrew his arm from Hitler's shoulders, reached out and grabbed Albus's hand and dragged him off down the street, leaving a speechless and utterly confused Hitler behind.

"Where…..where are we _going_, Gellert?" Albus asked in confusion as he allowed himself to be dragged down the streets of Berlin.

"Finding our apparation point," Gellert said as he checked the watch on his left wrist. "We have ein appointment with Herr Churchill in ten minutes. I have _always_wanted to tell him how bloody awful his paintings are….."

Albus rolled his eyes. It was going to be a long day.

**Notes: **Questions? Comments? Concerns? Want me to stfu? Review!  
I hope it wasn't as ungodly terrible as I think it was, but you never know, yes?


End file.
